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Studies suggest that most people who transition to another gender do not have second thoughts. But after two trans men met and fell in love, their personal gender journeys took an unexpected turn, to a destination neither had foreseen. We have special bodies, and a special connection based on the physical experience we had. Ellie is 21 and Belgian.
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Her German partner, Nele, is Both took testosterone to become more masculine, and they had their breasts removed in double mastectomy surgery. Now they have detransitioned, and live again as female - the gender they were assigned at birth. Last year, they both made the decision to end their use of testosterone and start using the female pronouns "she" and "her" again. Slowly their own natural oestrogen has begun to re-feminise their bodies.
Their faces have softened, their bodies become curvier. But years of taking testosterone has had one profound, irreversible effect. When I call someone on the phone, I get gendered as male. They may not be typical of people who have transitioned to another gender. And they are not a judgement on the decisions of other trans people, be they trans men, trans women or non-binary. Ellie does not remember being uncomfortable as a girl when she was a child. But that changed as she became adolescent. I remember being called things like 'hermaphrodite'.
Tall and athletic, Ellie's love of basketball was identified as, "a boy thing" too. At 14, she realised she was attracted to other girls, and later came out to her parents. And somehow that rang a bell for me. And I remember thinking, 'Oh, so I'm a woman now? I don't feel comfortable with that.
I wanted to be neutral and do whatever I wanted. At 15, Ellie believed becoming a woman might limit her choices in life. For Nele too, growing up female was not fun. My mother forbade me from going outside bare-chested. We had a lot of fights because I was like, 'Why can my brother go out bare-chested? There was a street next to mine, and I couldn't go down there without a man hitting on me. I'm slowly realising now that I internalised all of that - that I was perceived in society as something sexy, something men desire, but not a personality.
With her body developing fast, Nele saw herself as too large. She would later develop an eating disorder. At 19, Nele came out as bisexual - that seemed safer. But the experience of unwanted male attention and the discomfort she felt with her female body stayed with her. Nele fantasised about removing her breasts.
Then she learned trans men get mastectomies. Or catch up here with the first episode - He2She2He. The distress trans people feel because there is a mismatch between their gender identity and their biological sex is called gender dysphoria. Nele thinks her own dysphoria began around this time.
I am transgender. Nele could see only two options - transition or suicide. She sought help from a transgender support organisation. They sent her to a therapist. He said it was so clear I'm transgender - that he's never been as sure with anyone else. I liked thinking of myself having that possibility - it felt like I should have a male body.
But being so young, she needed parental approval for any medical intervention. The first doctor she visited with her parents said Ellie should wait - she thought that was transphobic and found another medic who was positive about her desire to transition. I had done my research, and I knew that this doctor could not be trusted. But I was just so happy that he said that, because then my parents were OK with it. Ellie's dad, Eric, was worried about the impact testosterone would have on his child's health, but the doctor reassured him. At first, testosterone made Ellie feel emotionally numb.
Then she felt much better.
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At 17, she had a double mastectomy. Later, she graduated from high school, and left Belgium to go to university in Germany. Transitioning to male had not ended Nele's feelings of despair. She was still suicidal, and her eating disorder was manifesting itself in extreme calorie-counting, and an obsession with her diet. Nele began to think testosterone was the only good thing in her life - and she still wanted a mastectomy. But she did not feel she could be totally honest with her gender therapist.
I mentioned it in the beginning, but I didn't dare talk about it more because of the shame - I think that's normal with eating disorders. Nele was worried her transgender treatment might be halted if there was any doubt about her mental health.